A Dark and Non Priority Existence

It feels so dark inside. Dark disappointment. Dark sadness. Dark heaviness.
Dark abandonment. Dark neglected. Dark.
Just Dark.

Why do we give all of us to the people we love? when all they have for us are crumbles?

Why do everything for that person? Put him in the first place? Make him the center of your eyes? When all you have in return is the second, third, fourth place in his live?

Why do we keep believing everyday that love is magical? Just to have it broken at the end of the day? Just to be laugh at? Just to pass as the ridiculous dreamer?

Why can we not wait to see that person? See their smile? Look into their eyes? Spend all rare 5 little minutes available together? Have butterflies in the stomach knowing that there s only 20 minutes left to spend some good 3 hours?
Just to understand that there are a billion other things that are before you?
…e-mails, Facebook, linked in, Messager, Whats app, phones, clients, beers, movie, tv, jogging… Everything!
Everything and anything can take the lead!
Everything and anything but you!

You’r not the lead in anyone’s life…
(And why the fuck should you expect to be?!?!?!?!? – Just because that person is the lead in your life!? Just because that person is the most important one? Well, that’s not enough! That’s not how life goes! Bad Luck!)

Is to love somebody with your whole-full-self so wrong? Why is it so lonely?
Am I always gonna live in a world where I love somebody with my all – and I am loved with just a bit?

Dark. Disappointed. Empty. Ridiculous. Abandoned. 2nd choise. Non priority.

I wish i was perfect like that, to make you love me

Take a shower to wash me, to wash my body, to wash my soul.
To wash my thoughts, my fears, my disgust. To wash my insecurities, my sadness.
For a brief moment the warm water almost makes me feel entire.

After leaving the shower they are all still here though.

Can’t lay in bed with you and put me naked.
Can’t bear the idea of you watching my imperfect thighs. My imperfect ass. My imperfect boobs. Can’t feel sexy for you anymore.

Can’t take those images out of my head. It hurts so much. You like that, you can’t like me. I m not good. My boobs are not perfect round and double D. You can’t like me. I am not enough.

Don’t want to have sex. It’s just too painful to show you I don’t look like that.
If i don’t have sex you might like me even less. Can’t have sex without bursting in tears.
The shame is too big. The feeling of imperfection is too harmful. The sorrow of not being the perfect body of your hot lust desire is too overwhelming.

What are you thinking after sex? About those perfect bodys? About how you wish I was perfect like that?

…I am. That is all I can think. “I wish i was perfect like that, to make you love me”…

Blank soul and Deaf ears

Blanck pages, blank brain, blank head, a lot of letters, but not even one makes sense in my eyes. Can’t concentrate. Can’t focus!

The heads are all running around, all busy, all focused in their issues.
Mine is blank. No knowledge, no information, no lectures, no nothing.
Some days not even shit is there. Just numbness.

Numbness in my mind and in my body.

“Wake up!… Wake up! Now!”
“Please listen to me!”
I’m screaming.

Nobody hears me. I don’t hear me.

Another weird day

Another weird day… Feel so strange.
Once again I feel this big disconnection between my body and my spirit.

Flew here now. ‘m next to him. But the feeling is weird.
Can’t even figure out and don’t want to think about it.

Is this love? Or is this delusional from me? Just to keep thinking that this guy is something he is not anymore? And Is he really Not?

Or is this my spirit trying to leave my body? I feel so tired to think or to even talk.
Takes so much energy to…anything actually.
Just let me stay in bed all day…

When can I just stop pressing myself for strengths i don’t have?
When can I just lay and not move anymore?