Why would i not choose that!?

Don’t know how to make me functional anymore.

How do I keep my head above water – when almost every minute of the day I just wish to drown or fall asleep and never wake up the next day?

How do you keep your life moving as nothing is happening?
How can you work and accomplish your tasks, when you don’t even have the strength to get up and dress and leave the bed?
How can relationships survive to all this?
How can I make the ones i love understand whats goin on when they have no clue? No understanding of what s happening inside me?

How can I make them see? I’m “not smiling because i don’t want to”, cause i have “all the reasons to be one super happy person” – that this is not truth! That it’s not up to my desire of switching on and off a freaking button on the back of my neck!?
It’s like they are blaming me for feeling this way! They don’t believe me! They think i choose this sickness!
Like this was not enough shit already?!

You know when y just can’t smile? when you just can’t bear the prospective of leaving to the street and have to pretend all day that “you’re fine”, “everything’s cool”, “I’m just tired”, “I’m such a normal person”?
When you can’t shake that deep feeling that you’re never good enough?
That you’re never gonna make somebody happy, cause you’re such a burden? such a difficult person full of problems and a big baggage?
When you can’t seam to find the determination and courage to believe what you chose is right?

Do you…?

You know when you just don’t have the strength? when you just feel hopeless, empty, blank, thoughtless, heavy, dark, hollow, confused?
Nothing makes sense… How can I be simustaneously hollow and heavy!?

And no! I don’t choose to wake up thinking that I’m gonna be miserable feeling the whole day, and just drag myself until the end of the day.
If I could just smile? why would i not choose that?
If I could just feel I’m good enough? why would i not choose that?
If I could just feel like one day in the future I’ll be fine and happy? why would i not choose that?
If I coud at all forget all the things my abusers made me feel? If i could just stop feeling all the things i learned with and from them…If i could just forget their voices, their eyes, their hands, their disgusting bodys…
If i could just breath with no heaviness on my chest…

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The world thinks that is normal! and im the crazy one?!? – women are not soulless objects made to serve dicks!!!

A letter to the world:

I feel like all the world thinks that that is normal. And that i’m the crazy one. I’m the abnormal one.

I feel like everybody is ok with that. And I AM ALONE. In my fight, in my feelings, in my discomfort.

I feel like he is one more person that likes that. He gets along with that. Acts side by side with that. He sees and doesn’t care. He sees and acts according to that. ELE COMPACTUA COM ISSO! And he doesn’t even want to care about how it feels in my heart. He doesn’t give a shit about it!

They say they “love girls”, they “love women”, but they don’t give a shit!

He thinks i’m making excuses. I’m inventing arguments where i have none. He thinks this is just me making drama to hide my true reason. He thinks my true reason is being insecure and feel threatened by girls posing naked in a page…

Really? Really? I am threatened by that? By what? How? Why? Cause you would fall in love for a page? For a screen?  Can’t you see how ridiculous that is?

Of course i’m not gonna lie: this doesn’t help any girl to feel secure of herself. For sure me neither! It actually makes me wonder “how the heck can you love me!? desire me!? – If that is what you like in a girl?”… Well i have to confess it makes me feel i am never gonna be good enough to make you want me! Cause i will never be as skinny as the pics (i am just a size 6, not a 4, not a 2, nor O!), never as big boobs and butt as the pics (cause i am just size “NORMAL WOMAN WITH NO PLASTIC”)! And specially cause I’m not a Photoshop! I am real! I am a true Woman! And i don’t have a magic power to Photoshop myself to make you desire me…Specially when i’m naked.
Is this your intentions when you act along this type of attitudes? OF COURSE NOT! I know that… But isn’t knowing that you make me feel so bad inside enough to see how that’s messed up!? If that has the power of hurting so seriously the person you love, How can you not understand!?

But the truly horror part in here, is about Every Women on Earth! It’s not about (just) me. It’s not about feeling insecure! It’s about such a bigger cause!
It’s about All women! It’s about Respect!

Why does everybody seems to think that treating women like soulless sexual objects that are on Earth to satisfy males is normal!?!?! IS ACCEPTABLE?? OR OK???

I don’t get that. And i’ve always felt like i’m the wrong one. I felt like i was crazy! I was delusional to not get the normality there!
And you also want me to believe in that…? don’t you…?

If I say I feel discomfort, I do! And I’m gonna own that!

How can i be with somebody that accepts that?

How can the world thinks that a daughter, a mom, a sister, a niece, a granddaughter, an aunt, a cousin is just a sexual toy???
Why in these world exists magazines such as “girls and cars”? How can somebody feel like those are two equivalent things?…Read again: THINGS!!!
If there would be magazines like: “Nail Polish and Guys”, “Clothes and Cocks”, “Shoes, Necklaces  and Sexy Dudes”, “Bags and Lads” – Would the world think that’s normal?

And how would that be like!?
A shirtless guy popping out his butt and holding nail polish bottles!?,
A naked guy with his eyes wide open and surprised looking at girls clothes?,
A sexy dude laying with shoes on his abdominal? and necklaces on?,
A bunch of lads sitting on the floor biting one finger and tucking his boxers on the ass and bags all around them?!?!?
– Cause that is how we portray girls and women!!!

Would all those THINGS have the same value?

Why do we make girls and women feel like they have to be appreciated like that to feel that they have value? Why can’t the world see how sad this is? So ridiculous!?
Why do we keep using the physiological excuse that guys are different and so that is normal?
WHY!?
Would you treat your mom like that? Would you treat your sister like that?
Imagine your little baby daughter as a young 20-something girl… Would you like a lad to treat her like that? Would you like her to be with some guy that thinks her value is that?
Would you be ok if somebody pay her for a job that represents who she is in such a belittled way!?
And why are there even women doing that to herselfs and peers? Cause we teach everybody that that is normal and acceptable. And just how it should be.

NO! I can’t accept that!
NO! DON’T EVER TELL ME AGAIN I’M THE WRONG ONE HERE!

If I say I feel THIS WAY, I do! And I’m gonna own that!

The world thinks that is normal! And you people really want to tell me that i ‘m the crazy one here?!? …Really!?

 

Sophie.

 

I shiver uncontrollably

Its such a strong feeling.
It s inside me…
It s under my skin, deeper then my muscles, inside my veins, deep-seated in my core! Está embrenhado na mais profunda parte do meu ser!

I shiver, i cry, i feel things, bad things! I feel disgusted! I feel SICK! I feel rotten inside! I cringe…
Feel anger fever invading all my pores. Feel pure and explosive anger in all inches of my being! And still shivering…
Feel depply physically sick inside!
How do i take this disease from inside me? How do i kill this?…

I shiver uncontrollably

Nobody knows how much it hurts… Nobody knows how bad i feel. The pain is so big! and i just want it to stop! i just want it to end! i wanna kill this pain, nomatter what!no matter how! I HAVE TO!…

But it s part of me… It s part of my inside…So maybe… i have to kill that!

Hate You Tonight

I HATE YOU TONIGHT!
I ll love you tomorrow…

I ll hate you again in some days, i will love you after…

I hate me for feeling like this. Hate this constant roller coaster!
I hate that i can t feel any tinny bit confidente! Any tinny bit loved!

And i hate that you contribute for that! I hate that you play inocente after!
I hate that you pretend i m crazy everytime i tell you the things that hurt me or make me feel bad.
You told me i m a “psycho” last week! You want me to take the guilt for what you make me feel…

Yes, lots of what i feel its from my past, its from my abusers, its from my history! But another big part…its you! Your weird way of love! your pushing the boundrys! your stupid way of trying to test my limits, instead of understanding something hurts me! OR WHY something hurts me… Not even that…

I just hate you so much tonight…

Can t even see the end of the tunnel!

Will i ever be normal?

Will i ever be happy?

Think about my life and can t see any light at the end of the tunnel… actually i can t even see the end of the tunnel!

Will this ever feel different?

I don t think so, there are days i have no inch of hope for better days, and i just feel like dying…

Some days have so little strenght left…

Just GOOD

There are people that makes us well, really pure and good well!
No tricks on their sleeves, no hidden intentions. Just G-O-O-D!

Having a little bit of this good gives me some peace and love ❤