Don’t know how to make me functional anymore.
How do I keep my head above water – when almost every minute of the day I just wish to drown or fall asleep and never wake up the next day?
How do you keep your life moving as nothing is happening?
How can you work and accomplish your tasks, when you don’t even have the strength to get up and dress and leave the bed?
How can relationships survive to all this?
How can I make the ones i love understand whats goin on when they have no clue? No understanding of what s happening inside me?
How can I make them see? I’m “not smiling because i don’t want to”, cause i have “all the reasons to be one super happy person” – that this is not truth! That it’s not up to my desire of switching on and off a freaking button on the back of my neck!?
It’s like they are blaming me for feeling this way! They don’t believe me! They think i choose this sickness!
Like this was not enough shit already?!
You know when y just can’t smile? when you just can’t bear the prospective of leaving to the street and have to pretend all day that “you’re fine”, “everything’s cool”, “I’m just tired”, “I’m such a normal person”?
When you can’t shake that deep feeling that you’re never good enough?
That you’re never gonna make somebody happy, cause you’re such a burden? such a difficult person full of problems and a big baggage?
When you can’t seam to find the determination and courage to believe what you chose is right?
You know when you just don’t have the strength? when you just feel hopeless, empty, blank, thoughtless, heavy, dark, hollow, confused?
Nothing makes sense… How can I be simustaneously hollow and heavy!?
And no! I don’t choose to wake up thinking that I’m gonna be miserable feeling the whole day, and just drag myself until the end of the day.
If I could just smile? why would i not choose that?
If I could just feel I’m good enough? why would i not choose that?
If I could just feel like one day in the future I’ll be fine and happy? why would i not choose that?
If I coud at all forget all the things my abusers made me feel? If i could just stop feeling all the things i learned with and from them…If i could just forget their voices, their eyes, their hands, their disgusting bodys…
If i could just breath with no heaviness on my chest…